Whats a guy gotta do?
by Spidey3000
Summary: Song fic. Ash has rather unusual female troubles... will he find a female that ISN'T an evil monster that's actually trying to kill him? small X-over. Violence and adult situations.


**A/N: Well, I haven't written an evil dead fic in a while, and I noticed that some of my fics that I wrote a while ago are still on the front page when i haven't updated them, and for some reason, that annoys me to no end, as it says that not many people have written Evil Dead fics since then! COME ON PEOPLE! Ash needs some loving here since he's never gonna get another movie! (Damn it Bruce, when are you gonna realize that you'll never play another character as awesome or career defining as Ash? WHEN?) anyway, I haven't seen many Evil Dead song fics, and I haven't written any song fics, so i figured I'd just type this one up. I've actually considered this one for a while now! the underlined italics are the song lyrics. Oh, and this story has several parts, and will probably be one of the longest song fics you've ever read. Enjoy! **

_What's... a... guy gotta do to get a girl in this town  
Don't wanna be alone when the sun goes down  
Just a sweet little somethin to put my arms around  
What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town  
_

It was an ordinary night at S-mart; lines of shopping carts filled with groceries, customers complaining to employees non-stop, and of course, the occassional Candaran demon attack, though there were less of those nowadays. The store was open late, and Ash, as usual, was working the night shift.

_  
__Well ask anybody I'm a pretty good guy..._

At the moment, he was being heckled by one particularly annoying customer in the housewear's isle.

"Sir, S-mart doesn't stalk holy water," said Ash, tiredly.

"But the vampire population has been increasing around this town! haven't you noticed the disappearances! Someone has to fight them!" said the crazy person.

_  
__And the looks decent wagon didn't pass me by _

Ash sighed, knowing that it would be impossible to reason with the man.

"Well, we don't stalk holy water," said Ash. "Now please leave before I call store security!"

"Fine!" said the man, walking away. "but don't blame me when the blood gets sucked from your veins!"

"No, I'll blame myself for being stupid enough to get within' biting distance of someone with pale white skin and fangs," retorted Ash, as the customer walked away.

_  
There ain't nothin in my past that I'm tryin hard to hide..._

A girl with white skin, black hair, lucious lips, and rather nice curves approached Ash, and grinned, somehow letting her curves show as much as possible through her S-mart uniform. She was the new girl having been hired only recently. Her name was Ashley, according to her name tag.

For some reason though, she only worked the night shift, despite only just starting at S-mart. She was in her early twenties, and her excuse was that she took so many classes during the day, she only had time to work at night.

"I liked the way you handled that customer," she said, smiling seductively. (A/N: You KNOW this won't end well!)

"I like the way you just said that," grinned Ash, thinking that this was soon to be the end of a LONG dry spell.

"I get off in an hour," she whispered in his ear.

Ash, not questioning the coincidence of that being the exact same time till he got off, grinned, thinking about all the things that could happen an hour from now.

One hour later, he and her were in the supply room, and she was pinning him to the ground, and Ash was thinking things were about to start.

"Are you ready for the experience of a life time?" she said, smiling.

"Yes ma'am!" said Ash, grinning.

His grin faded when her eyes started glowing red and she opened her mouth to reveal a set of sharp fangs.

_  
And I don't understand why I gotta wonder why... _

"Why god?" said Ash. "Why can't I just have a nice HUMAN girl that doesn't have some sort of exterrior motive to drag a good lookin' guy like me into an empty storage room?" __

_What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town..._

The girl bent down to bite Ash on the neck, but he managed to stop her by grabbing her neck with his metal hand.

"Women, one second they're ready to drag you into the store room, then next minute they're after you're blood!" said Ash, before throwing her off.

"I'm gonna suck you dry!" said the vampiress, as Ash backed away and got back to his feet.

"Ya know, that's why I brought you in here, though I'm pretty sure you aren't going to do the kind of sucking I was hoping for," said Ash, searching around for some kind of weapon.

_  
Don't wanna be alone when the sun goes down..._

Ash ran out of the storage room, as the crazy vampire lady chased him.

"Come on Ash, I just want to sink my TEETH into you!" she yelled.

"Yeah, that's kinda why we'd never work!" said Ash, as he ran through the home-improvement isle, and stopped to grab some razor blades of the shelf, then kept running, pulling them out of the package.

_  
__Just a sweet little somethin to put my arms around..._

Ash threw several razor blades at the monster that was chasing him, one of which hit her in the face, another of which hit her somewhere in the chest. He managed to get away while she was pulling them out.

He ran for the sporting goods isle, and hid behind the counter, then smashed the window to grab a shotgun and some ammo.

"Ash, what's wrong this time?" said Steve, who was currently working in that isle.

"The new girls a crazy vampire and she wants to suck me dry, and not in the pleasurable way so get that smile off your face you filthy pervert!"

"Oh come on, I'm sure she's not that bad..." said Steve, right before the vampiress jumped over the counter to land on top of Ash.

"Playing hard to get, I see?" she said. "What's the matter, can't take a girl that likes to dominate?"

Ash pointed the shotgun at her chest.

"Sorry babe, but I'm not into necrophilia," he said, pulling the trigger. The bloodsucker landed several feet away on her back, with a large gaping hole in her chest.

"OK...so she WAS that bad, but why was she such a big threat for Mr. Deadite slayer himself?" said Steve, confundledly.

Suddenly, the girl got back up, and walked towards them, the hole in her chest healing instantly.

"Nevermind..." said Steve, gulping.

"If you wanna help, go get me some weapons that I can USE against this witch, preferably a chainsaw, or a wooden stake..." said Ash.

Ash shot the vampiress in the head; knocking her back to the ground, but she got up, her wound healing yet again.

"Naughty naughty!" she said, getting back up.

"GO!" he yelled. "I'll handle Madam Chocula here,"

Steve nodded, and ran off to grab something Ash could use.

Ash put the vampiress down several more times, before he ran out of ammo.

"What's this? I since when do I run out of ammo? This is a new experience!" said Ash, attempting to reload the gun. However, the vampire girl quickly tackled him to the ground, and tossed the gun to the side.

"Ooh, I like it when boys make me work for it," said the vampiress, bringing her face uncomfortably close to Ash's.

"Well, then you must love me!" said Ash, reaching for a conveniently placed shard of glass.

"You know, I was just gonna suck you dry and leave you dead, but as much as you turn me on, I'll pretty much HAVE to make you a vampire!" said the vampiress. "You're have too much potential as a lover to pass up..."

"OK...I don't know whether to be complimented or freaked out, so I'm just gonna say..." said Ash, before cutting her acrossed the face with the glass. "HELL NO!"

Ash punched the vampire woman in the face with his gloved hand, and backed away.

"ASH!" yelled Steve, running up to him. "Catch!"

Steve threw Ash a vial of holy water.

Ash threw said holy water in the vampiress' face, causing her to scream in agony, and fall to the ground, her face melting as if acid had been thrown in it.

"Steve..." said Ash.

"Yes?" said Steve.

"Where'd you get holy water?" said Ash.

"Oh, it's on sale in the 'monster hunting' isle, right next to housewares," said Steve.

"...that would have been nice to know a few hours ago," said Ash, walking away. "I think I owe that old guy an appology,"

_  
__What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town..._

Several days later...__

_Cruise all around the right parking lots..._

It was Ash's lunchbreak, and he was hanging out in (where else?) the parking lot, in a bench near the front of the store, eating a sandwhich. You'd think he'd learn his lesson about not trusting females who ASK for it...but if he even got into that situation after three movies and several comics, do you honestly think he's gonna learn his lesson after getting nearly killed by one vampire chick?

_  
__little time gets killed alotta bull gets shot..._

In fact, Ash was only mildly suprised when a rather attractive blond sat next to him.

"Hey there cutie, mind some company?" she said.

"Yeah...but first," said Ash, splashing holy water on her face.

She blinked, but was otherwise unaffected.

"Sorry," he said. "You can never be too careful these days,"

She laughed.

"Well, I understand, with all those demons you fight, you never know, do you?" she said. "by the way, my name is Sara,"

_  
__one who'll think I'm kinda cute and laugh at every joke I got _

So they talked for a while, and Ash eventually ended up telling her his story.

She listened intently, cheering at the parts where Ash kicked arse, and laughing at the oneliners, and even asked questions to better understand it.

Sara then asked Ash when he got off, and he told her it was an hour from now.

But lets time skip ahead, I'm running out of lyrics with which I can tell this story between.

After Ash got off, they headed to her place. Turns out, she had a nice place, with a pool and a hot tub. At the moment, they were chilling in the hot tub, talking, then flirting, then kissing, then making out, and soon she was removing her swim suit.

"I can't take it anymore!" she said, stepping out of the tub. "I must have you right now!"

She ducked underwater, and started carressing his...yeah, lets end the sex scene here, shall we?

"that's nice..." said Ash, with a goofy smile on his face.

Her tentacles wrapped around him, and ...wait, tentacles?

"...I'm really hoping I'm imagining those," said Ash, before a hideous, barely humanoid shaped exoskeleton and tentacles coming from the side of her head.

"Well...at least this one probably won't suck my blood," said Ash, before a pair of tentacles wrapped around his neck and pulled him underwater._  
_

_when I get to thinkin maybe she's athinkin maybe not... _

The alien woman held and impassive look as he held Ash's head underwater, and prepared to use him as an incubator for her weird alien babies. She hadn't anticipated that he'd reach out of the water, and grab his swimsuit...which happened to have a conveniently placed knife in it. __

_What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town..._

Ash pulled the tentacles off him with his metal hand, which he was thankful he forgot to remove when he got in the hot tub, and manged to jerk them off his neck, then cut them with his knife, and rose for air.

"Sorry babe, I don't date interspecies!" said Ash, cutting the alien acrossed the face and jumping out of the hot tub to run like hell. He ran inside the house, hoping to find safety there. He ran into the bedroom, and saw several weird coccoon-like things, as well as a dead body that Ash guessed was the previous owner.

"I was wondering how a foreigner could afford such a nice place," he said, before turning to leave the room. However, 'Sara' was waiting for him, though she was back in her human form.

"Ya know, I don't think I'm ready for kids right now," said Ash, backing away. "I mean, come on, I work at S-mart, I don't think I could support...however many babies you've got here,"

"I don't need you to support them, I just need your seed..." said Sara.

"...sorry, I don't know what kind of freaky alien STDs you might have, but I don't want them," said Ash, before jumping through a conveniently placed window, leading him back to the back yard.

_  
__Don't wanna be alone when the sun goes down..._

Ash ran around the side of the house, jumped the fence, and ran towards his car, which was parked in front of the house.

"And she said it would be healthier if we WALKED!" said Ash, opening the trunk and sorting through the various weapons he had assorted in his trunk.

The alien woman emerged from the house, and ran towards him, but luckily, he'd found what he was looking for. A tentacle wrapped around his waste, and pulled him towards her, but he cut if off with his chainsaw, then used his left hand to shoot 'Sara' in the chest with his shotgun.

"Hey, no unwanted touching on a first date," said Ash.

Sara got up, her wound healing instantly.

"You didn't seem to mind a few minutes ago," she said, reverting to her human form for a second to say that, but returning to her alien form to leap at him.

_  
Just a sweet little somethin to put my arms around..._

Ash, hit her with the butt of his shotgun, then shot her, then cut one of her arms off with the chainsaw. She cried in pain, but rushed forward, her arm already regenerating, but Ash shot her in the head, causing her to fall back down, then repeatedly shot her with the gun, attempting to do enough damage that she wouldn't get back up, but he could tell she was regenerating.

"Damn it, where's the M.I.B. when you need them?" he said, before running back to the trunk, and pulling out some gasoline and a lightner.

However, by the time he turned around, she was right next to him.

"I'm going to ENJOY this!" said Sara, laughing.

"Then you must be a pyrromaniac then," said Ash.

The alien looked confused for a second, before Ash slammed his fist into her, dumped the oil on her and lit her on fire.

She tried to attack him one last time, but he fired a few more shots into her, and she fell to the ground, and didn't get up.

"W-what the hell is that?" said one of the neighbors, a bit scared.

"THAT," said Ash, "Is a dead alien,"

Ash pulled out a bottle of beer, and walked towards the window from which he'd escaped the house, light the bottle on fire, and threw it through the window.

"And that, is soon going to be the charred remains of what would have been an army of aliens," said Ash, before getting into his car, and driving away.

"Hell, if that many illegal aliens got into this country," he said, while he drove away. "Immigration must not me doing their job..." (I'm gonna get sued for that joke)

While he was driving away, the alien's arm twitched...

_  
__What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town..._

One week after that, Ash was feeling extremely paranoid; he hadn't had a beautiful woman turn into a monster and attack him for a week, and he'd been feeling the hair on the back of his neck raise, which he knew was his 'Ash senses' telling him the deadites were planning on something. __

_Had an old man tell me "Boy if you were smart..._

At the moment, he was mopping the floors of the produce isle at S-mart. Apparently, since his little run in with he vampire about a week ago, they hadn't trusted him anywhere NEAR the weapons; not because he killed the vampire, but because he'd made such a mess doing it, used company property (the shot gun and ammo), and broken glass on the case when he could have just opened it from behind the counter.

Saving the store from evil had stopped getting him pay raises since the third deadite attack on the store...

_  
__you'd hit the produce isle at the Super Walmart" _

Unfortunately for Ash, this was around the time a familiar looking female with pale white skin, black hair, and red eyes crashed a shopping cart filled with body weights and other heavy objects into him, knocking him over.

"Of all the people I could of run into, it HAD to be you," said the vampiress. "You couldn't just say no either, you had to HUMILIATE ME in the middle of the store!"

"Funny you haven't even mentioned that I dumped holy water on your face, then staked you, then dismembered you with a chainsaw," said Ash. "And no, the answer hasn't changed; I rather enjoy walking in sunlight, thanks," _  
So I bumped into a pretty girl's shopping cart..._

At that point, Ash turned around, but was hit by another shopping cart, this time being pushed by a certain alien disguised as an attractive blond.

"Well, if it isn't Mr. Thanks-But-I'm-Not-Read-For-Children!" she said, shoving the cart at him with super human strength, though he dodged it.

"He screwed you too?" said the vampiress.

"Yup, all I wanted was have his children in a way that would cause his excruciatingly horrible death, but NO! He saw me without my human suit and ran! Jerk!" said Sara.

"He took me into a supply closet and was ready to have sex, but he found out I was a vampire, and ran like heck!" said the vampiress.

"Yeah, I prefer HUMANS that don't want to kill me in some horrible way or turn me into their undead sex slave," said Ash. "Call me picky,"

_  
__but all I did was break her eggs and bruise her artichoke hearts..._

"Ash, you fought BOTH of these women?" said another voice, that sent chills down Ash's spine. He turned to see Linda walking towards him. "After all we've been through together! You manwhore!"

"Linda, I can explain!" said Ash, backing away. "They tried to kill me, it was TOTALLY non-consensual!"

"hey, you were the one doing the dismembering!" said the vampiress.

"Yeah, I didn't force you to cut my arm off!" said Sara.

"You dismembered them! Ash, I thought that was OUR thing?" said Linda, mock tears in her eyes.

"Well...I forgive you...who wants to have a threesome?" said the deadite Linda, to Sara and the vampiress.

"Not me," said Ash, before running like hell.

The three females gave chase, but Ash was able to lose them by throwing down a box of smoke bombs that had been on sale.

"what DOESN'T this fricking store sell?" yelled the vampiress, frustratedly.

the three females split up, and went after Ash. But little did the know, this time, Ash wasn't going to be the one in control of the situation. _  
__  
__What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town..._

The vampiress ran through the kitchen supplies isle, to see Ash on the other end. She ran forward, not caring that the knives were missing from the shelves.

"I'm going to suck you dry..." she said,he shot her in the face with a super soaker filled with holy water.

"Sorry babe," said Ash, shoving the super soaker in her mouth.

"But you SUCK!" _  
_

_Don't wanna be alone when the sun goes down..._

Sara heard screams, and ran to the toy isle, where she saw the dead vampire and a discarded super soaker, and saw Ash running into another department of the store, where they kept the more dangerous tools.

"Ash...baby, where are you?" she said. "I need your seeds,"

"Not gonna happen," said a voice, from behind her.

She turned around to see Ash, holding a blow torche.

Before she could react, her face was on fire, but felt strangely cold, along with her arms, legs, and other body parts.

"Sorry baby, but I don't wanna knock up a chick that can't cook," said Ash, before dropping the blow torche and heading for "sporting goods".

_  
Just a sweet little somethin to put my arms around..._

However, when he got there, the deadite that used to be Linda was waiting for him.

"I knew you'd end up here," she said.

To make matters worse, she was standing between him, and counter with all those wonderful firearms were kept.

"Baby, you know me too well," said Ash, backing into a shelf behind him, filled with fishing rods that were on display.

"Lets play a little game called 'count the times Ash screams while we swallow his soul'...sound like fun?" said Linda.

"No," said Ash, grabbing a fishing rod. "I'd prefer GO FISH!"

Ash swung the fishing pole at Linda, and the hook-- which for some reason was tied to the end of the line even though the fishing pole was on display-- was embedded in her cheek.

"got any aces?" said Ash, jerking the pole to the right, causing Linda to lose her balance as it ripped a good portion of the skin on her cheek off. (she's a deadite, it comes off easy.)

As she fell to the ground, Ash rushed past her, and leapt over the counter to grab a shotgun, which he quickly loaded.

"De ja vu?" he said, before Linda jumped into the air and landed on the counter behind him.

"I WILL SWALLOW YOUR SOU--"

BLAM!

"...genaric random oneliner," said Ash, shooting her again...and again...and again...

A few hundred shots later, the fight was over.

"Um...wasn't that that girl you used to date a few years ago before you went crazy?" said one of his co-workers; a rather attractive female.

Ash nodded. "I lose MORE girlfriends that way..."

"It must have been horrible!" said the woman. "she was attractive, with blond hair, green eyes, and rather nice breasts.

"Say, maybe you could come over to my place, and you could tell me all about it," said the woman, innocently.

_  
What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town...__  
_

Ash looked at her, then shook his head and walked away.

"No," he said. "I don't need another disappointment mixed with an attempt on my life, thanks..."

He then walked away, leaving the girl confused.

"Geez, what's he so afraid of?" _  
_

_What's a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town..._

**A/N: Ok, sorry if the verses are a bit spread out, but its a short song, and it plays rather quickly, and I wanted to have a fight with every repeat of the melody. Oh, and Sara is a character from the "Species" franchise, and I'm sorry if I made her a bit OOC, but I haven't really seen all the movies, so I'm not sure of what she can do. Oh, and the song was 'What's a guy gotta do', from Joe Nicol (spelling please?). Please review! **_  
_


End file.
